As time stands still (I pass it by)

This last month or so has been crazy and busy. It has gone by so fast. There's a lot that has happened. At the same time I feel as though there is nothing on consequence to talk about. I need to write on here though. Not for the sake of doing it, but because it can actually be beneficial and insightful. 

I suppose all I wanted to say now is that I will say other, actually interesting, things later.

And in that one moment...

God is good at making fools out of us and showing us how self-centered we are. I've been to preoccupied with my own agenda to slow down and see what God's purpose is for me. He had to stop me, sit me down, and spell it out for me. 

Hmmm...

God has really strange ways of getting your attention. I don't understand it. I don't understand what he's saying. Let alone why he's saying it.

But I know better as I collide face first with you

Last night was amazing. The show was amazing. We played very well, especially for practicing once in the last two and a half months. It was awesome meeting some new people there too. I absolutely love meeting new people at shows. Whenever we play, I always say "come hang out with us and talk to us." I really mean it. Haha.

This show felt a lot more like the shows I remember going to 3 and 4 years ago. I hope that shows in the future go in that general direction. It's what Butler needs.

We were magnetic fields when we came together long ago

So, tonight I worked with Sera. I wasn't sure what to expect. It started out a little awkward, but it really wasn't bad at all. It was actually nice and normal...

I want to let you know that I'm alright. I also want to let you know that I'm not alright. Further explanation would probably be ideal. What I mean is that I can pretty much live my life and not really have any issues. But at the same time I just have moments where I break down. I was fine the entire day when I was working with Sera but randomly about 25 minutes into my drive home I started crying etc, etc. It literally came out of nowhere. This is just one instance. The thought of the closeness of our relationship not being there is one of the things that hurts the most. I'll see her at work, and probably around butler and I'll talk to her online some. There will never be the closeness, the emotional intimacy that was there before. My problem is that I was in love, and I still am but I can't be.

I'm going to be real with you. I'm not holding anything back. The last few days I've really been fighting and struggling with the temptation of pornography and lust. The immediate response to the emptiness I feel is to fill it. That is the easiest and quickest fix. I know that it won't fill me. That doesn't change that the Liar is trying to convince me that it will.

Prayer would be appreciated.
For her as well.

Thank you.

yeah..

Looks like you'll be the first to know, Brian. Since you're always the first (and only?) person who ever really reads this.

Sera and I are no longer Sera and I...

That's all I want to say right now.

Realization #47: I am a weenie

Tonight I talked to someone and gained a whole lot of respect for them. It's one of those things where I didn't realize something, although I knew it, until it was placed plainly in front of me.

I feel like a huge weenie in comparison. I thought it was rough having all 8am classes last semester. I often had trouble getting out of bed. It felt like all I ever did during the day was nap, and homework and nap some more. Even this semester with 9 and 9:30 classes I didn't have any problems until recently and now it's getting hard to even get up then. The person that I talked to faced so much more diversity than only having 8am classes and that makes me feel like a turd for thinking I had it hard. I see this person from a different perspective now and it gives me so much more respect for them.

"me either"

It's amazing how one statement can be so cynical yet so hopeful at the same time.



Soli Deo Gloria

Something I've been thinking about

I feel like I've been distracted a lot lately. No, I don't mean that I'm having issues with my attention span. What I mean is that I feel distracted from the calling I believe God has for me and my own goals and visions that result from the calling I feel.

I've realized that when I align my heart with God's and seek to fulfill his will for my life above everything else that he blesses me far beyond anything I expect. For Example, Butler Project. So often my heart strays from God's heart and I become distracted from my purpose. It's very odd, I am fulfilling my desires and wants but it makes me feel more horrible than anything else. I can see how worshiping the gods in my life affects myself personally, as well as the relationships I have, especially the closest relationships in my life. It is scary how something that you think is so insignificant (although it is incredibly significant) can affect your life in as many ways as it does.

I want to seek and follow God's will in my life, as much as he reveals to me and as well as I can in these areas of my life:

• My relationship with Sera
• Purpose and direction of my schooling
• What I will do with my life (in college, and after)
• Financial crap

I'm sure I could at least double that list if I took a lot more time to think about it. But I suppose those are four of the more major areas.

Some other random goals:

• Start a band
• Start some sort of prayer group
• Be more bold and charismatic in my faith
• Don't underestimate the Holy Spirit

Although those seem random, at last in my mind, they are connected with what I talked about above. There more of a practical working out of those things, I suppose.

That's all for this installment.

Soli Deo Gloria

This needs to be said again...

Burn Your gods To The Ground

Your eyes (Proverbs 6:25)
Bring me to my knees (Your eyes! Your eyes!)
Asking more of me
I give my heart
Your lips drip with honey (Proverbs 5:3)
I can’t resist a taste
Your path leads to the grave (Proverbs 5:5)
And I’m chasing you
Your path leads to my death
And I’m chasing you
Your path leads to the grave
And I’m chasing you to my death

I’ll follow you down
If you’ll give what I desire

What makes a man a man?
Like a sheep led to the slaughter
What makes a man a man?
Butchered without a word
What makes a man a man?
Father, what have I done
What makes a man a man?
I am not a man

Confined within these walls I’ve made
I’ll paint myself into this picture
To become just like you—dead like you

This is the last time, I swear!
Don’t believe my lies
This is the last time, I swear!
Don’t believe my lies
This is the last time, I swear!
Lord, take this lust from me

Take this lust from me (2x)
Burn your gods to the ground (2x)
Take this lust from me (2x)